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Rockets Swan Review

Game 4                                                                                                                                   19/11/2022


Sorry to all those Sunday morning coffee drinkers for the absence of the read, but Saturday was a big day playing against a great team of guys at Osborne Park and an even bigger evening at the club celebrating an old buggers birthday, ‘Happy Birthday 🎂’, Bobtail. Yeah we know it was premature, but that’s what happens when you get excited.



Then Sunday was full on, playing in the Master Triples at Bassendean, shhh don’t tell anyone Rocco and I were there, as we are still banned from entering the club. 

Maybe they didn’t see us, oh shit with Brain Davis at the helm we won all three games and finished in the prime spot ready for next weeks games in the quarter finals. Don’t tell the committee.


Now let’s have a look me hearties at the fun at Osborne Park, I’m sure many have heard various things about the day. 

Well I was there, so sit down comfortably and be quiet and get your coffee and read on fellow detractors and supporters alike, as now I’ll begin the story.


How’s that saying go, ‘sometimes the horse is pulling the cart and sometimes your pulling the horse.

Not sure that’s legal in civilised countries, but anyway.


Ossy Park resplendent in facilities as always,  had us play on C green which ran as expected with the rain we have had last week. 

What’s happened to the fekn weather, it’s supposed to be fine and warm and it’s rubbish.

 I guess BWA have something to do with the organisation, they usually manage to stuff something up. 


The Black Ducks had to do a last minute shuffle due to outages beyond our control, sounds like the electric company slogan, don’t it.

The sides had the usual pre game talk and we were off and into the game.


The Highland games with MacHaggiss Urquhart were having a great day out and led the opposition on a merry highland fling.

The slower greens caught the Ossy boys on the hop  and the normally reliable side skippered by my old mate Marko fell short on many occasions but when they did drop one in the head, it was ‘Export’ Johnny ‘Kiwi’ Engelen who swept the dance floor with the errant bowl and returned the shot to us.

With a liberal supply of bush chooks in hand his performance only became merrier.

Rocket Rejected any replies from the third and took to the sword anything that got in the way and opening up the head for the bagpipe playing Urquhart .

The war weary Scot fixed any mistakes our front three made with his trademark haggis inspired white rocks, which he threw at the head and smashed and  grabbed the Jack time after time. 

The game was played in full spirit and the banter between comrades and opposition was full on as always with a quick jab here and there in the clinches and fiery responses.


Being a man’s game, banter is expected and rewarded with a beer afterwards. So first blood of the day for the little Black Ducks with a 21/13 win.


Man down, gee it’s tough, Brian Davis was unavailable Saturday due to a prior engagement so Bobtail Lindsay Sanders took the helm. The reshuffled side took the game up to the Ossy boys but cunning and skill from Freddie Guseppe saw us fall just short, 13/16


Hilsz’s side were having a great game but the Ossy boys were having an even better one and put an end to early celebrations for the Black ducks. 10/29.


Now the one you have all been waiting for, are you ready, get a refill and listen up.


The final rink was a nail biter, it was like a Greek tragedy. Full of great moments of joy and then the assassin appeared and killed the leading man.


PK and his side were in full battle mode and were tearing the Ossy boys to shreds.

By the 8th end or so they were 17/2 up and were in full swing, then tragedy struck, ahhh 😌 well some stupid spectator did. 

She didn’t like how the Black ducks were playing as it was demeaning to her husband, so after a few words with the umpire, she said that nasty man is having a sneaky smoke outside the smoking area and is using big words that I find offensive, even though it was alright for her husband to threaten to take our player out to the carpark and ‘thrash’ the living day light out of him, the sill old bugger wouldn’t have made it to the car park.


So with a bee in her bonnet she points to the side lines and informs the team that the skipper will have nothing more to do with the game as she is ‘red’ carding him. (Have you ever heard of it? )


‘Come on, let’s not be stupid’ is the chorus reply from the Black Ducks.

Well in that case I’m taking the 3 shots your holding on this end.

For fek’s sake that’s just not on.

Well cop this, I’m now awarding Ossypark 8 shots.

The rink went from 17/2, lost 3 shots won, and OP gained an 8 to be only 17/10 down.

With PK side lined, the manager of the day tried in vain to talk sense to the umpire but she was having none of it. Even the club manger tried to talk to her and was told to walk away.


So the black ducks continued with a man down and now only had 6 bowls and no second in the team, but still managed to finish the game and win 22/15.

Unfortunately we lost the aggregate due to this decision by 7 shots 66/73.


It was ok though for the female spectator to continue to bait a deride PK even after he was sidelined and the umpire did nothing in response. Poor, poor, very poor.


If a female spectator can collude with a female umpire it’s time we gave the game away.

Im sure it’s the same umpire that I came across when playing the over 60 pairs when she couldn’t make a decision when it was teaming down with rain and lightning saying the game must go on because BWA hadn’t called an abandonment.


 Some choice words come to mind and I’m ashamed to say she wore a jacket that said National Umpire, it must have been borrowed.

I’ve heard worse language in church, it’s MENS fekn Saturday bowls, If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen.  


If BWA don’t sort this rubbish out, it’s time to change management as this is beyond a joke.


We of course will be making a protest about the matter, but don’t hold your breath.


Stay tuned for more exciting reviews as this incident and more unfolds in the coming weeks.


🚀 Rocket 🚀 is off his meds, so watch out.